I think God has finally let my Guardian Angel out of re-hab. He’s back sitting on my shoulder. He’s still an imbecile, but he must hold some kind of sway because good things are beginning to happen. My mood is certainly better.
A lot of it has to do with, after months of non-activity, I have begun to tackle some of the things that were bringing me down------ especially money and a huge pile of debt. I’ve started to make arrangements that will at least stop the bleeding.
I’m not a money freak, I don’t buy tons of things. But when I bought my first laptop, I discovered that I could order books and DVDS and CDS by just clicking. However, I forgot that minimum payments on a credit card do not exactly reduce debt. My library grew and so did my bills. I have the complete music of Olivier Messiaen, Miles Davis and Debussy and all the stories of Jim Harrison, and the poetry of Charles Bukowski, and many great spiritual books. I consider all these things valuable --- an appreciation not shared by collection agencies.
It is incredible how much money worries will eat away at you and won’t let you sleep. Then they breed with other problems. Anxiety and depression came to visit and decided to stay. Writing music, which once defined me, became less important, especially since I felt no one really cared about what I was writing. … So why bother? Slowly things fall off.
In leprosy, the skin falls off, not due to some epidermal malady, but because the nerves can no longer feel pain--- thus one bruises almost without knowing. In what seems like a social leprosy, friends slowly faded away; it got harder to make any kind of bond. It was made easier because I began to feel I deserved it. Just as I became hopelessly in debt financially, I also began to feel hopelessly in debt socially: “over my head’ with what I felt I owed people.
I had made so many promises I could not keep----so many checks with “insufficient funds.”---Hurt so many people, and let down so many friends. Some family and friends understood, others did not.
So I owe an apology to those I hurt with my “emotional bankruptcy.” And hopefully my angel will help me become a better person.