" Metamorphosis: Insecticide Division" (notes for "The Unauthorized Autobiography")

I did it in cold blood, even though it was the victim that was cold-blooded. I pulled back the shower curtain this morning --- ala "Psycho"--- and there it was: a cockroach on the tiled wall. By its size I could tell it was one of the elders, possibly Leo or Wally, of the Shetland tribe. They are big enough to ride down the hall.

But he was interfering with my getting out of the house on time, and he just stayed there, not making a run for it. Experts say cockroaches are slow risers while I wake up pretty quickly, so I caught him with his pants down (actually it was me with my pants down.) I grabbed the heaviest object at hand which happened to be the magazine section from the Sunday N.Y. Times and smote him with five swift blows (my aim is not so good at 5:00a.m.) and flushed him down the watery abyss.

I am not proud of my aggressive ways. But I watch "Animal Planet" and I believe life is a currency quickly de-valued. I feel I have defended, for the time being, my small space from the onslaught of the superior race, and that we will fight again.



I first read Kafka's "Metamorphosis", the story in which the main character wakes up as a cockroach, in my freshman year in High School and it still scares the beejeezus out of me. I am not afraid of cockroaches. I have faced multitudes of small speedsters and stared down single studs the size of chihuahuas. If they're that intelligent, what are they doing hanging around my toilet?

However, after my morning triumph, I did have thoughts of an army of cockcroaches coming out of the bathroom, demanding the body of their fallen comrade. And I did make sure the toilet seat was down.






20" MUTANT COCKROACH
Thankfully, this massive cockroach arrived just in time for Christmas, because nothing makes a Christmas tree look better than a giant cockroach. Just bend it's legs, hook them around a limb and it will look as if a giant bug is trying to get at the angel on top. In fact, you might want to buy two and donate one to help decorate a tree at your local mall. Don't bother to tell them about it, just put it on and let the fun begin.
Clickhere for link to the Archie McPhee Co. It's where I do all my shopping!!!