Background Check

I am slowly eliminating television from my environment. As far as watching goes, I’m down to weather when it is bad, baseball when it is good (or the Cubs) and an absolute passion for “House M.D.” and the first 15 mins. of Craig Ferguson. This is not due to any big snobbery, just boredom and mild annoyance.

First, I started turning it off when not actively watching (just as Mom used to yell at me to do!) Since I used T.V. as a nightlight and sound generator, the void is huge. I trade off between silence (by which I mean the sounds of the busy city street below my window) and carefully selected CD’s. Internet Jazz and Classical from the laptop is tasty, also. The streetlight-lit room is almost chapel-like.

The next to go has been TV “news”. This is difficult, as I am a certified news addict, sometimes reading 3or 4 papers a day. But the breaking point came when I could not tell the “News” from “Entertainment Tonight” or “Access Hollywood”. I also could not distinguish the reporters from the idiots jumping around behind them.

So, I have taken to falling asleep listening to internet radio on the laptop, which sits on a table next to the bed. Yesterday, I changed my computer background to a black-and-white photo of this ramshackle room, void of anything except a figure in the corner whose face you can’t make out. Three very old windows are open, only because they don’t appear to close. It seemed to be a photo that would lend itself to mind-wandering.



In the middle of last night/early morning, I half woke up, with barely one eye open.
But that eye focused on the background the computer had switched to while I slept, and suddenly those windows became the windows to my room, and the room became the dank, musty room that I imagined I was in during post-op nightmares, following my heart surgery. (Several blog posts refer to this; see:DEC.21 and JAN.4) Suffice to say, that image shocked me back to that hellspace, for just a few minutes before I woke completely up, but it was enough to leave me shaky and wet-eyed.[ If you don’t believe this could happen, try this photo as your background, turn off all the lights, and let your mind go.] Since I no longer drink or smoke, it was back to turning the T.V. on for noise, to dull me back to sleep.

First thing today, I changed the background to something a bit cheerier. No seriously, it’s still an empty space, but the lighting is warm, and one can imagine putting things in this space. I see a piano, some sculpture making equipment, some blank canvasses, nude models… ahem, AHEM! Sorry, I was daydreaming. It’s far better than the television, unless the Cubs are on, and Lou Pinella’s cussin’ out the ump.